I have not written or posted anything for more than a month now and I must admit that it’s very upsetting. It’s not that I haven’t had any ideas or wanted to write, it’s just that I’ve been struggling!
I’ve been struggling with impatience because even though my husband and I have come a long way, we still have a long way to go and sometimes I feel like, “Come on already!! We’re wasting time here!!” Thankfully for the past few days, I have been listening to a teaching series called Stride by Pastor Michael Todd from Transformation church https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwXyxfwG_9A&t=36s. In it he talks about ‘The Pace of Grace’ which he defines as, “the rate of movement, progress and growth that God sets and supernaturally provides for”.
In the series he highlights the fact that so many of us are running and trying to do things our own way because we want to get to these man made destinations (I’m paraphrasing here so go listen for yourself). For example, we think ‘I should be married by now’ so we RUN into unequally yoked marriages that end in divorce. Or ‘I need a bigger house’, so we RUN into debt! Or for me, ‘We should be back together already’ and RUN into frustration! All God wants is for us to slow down, walk with Him and let Him do his thing. He is the only one who knows the final destination and what it takes to get there. He knows that there are some things to be worked out, worked on and worked into me, my husband and our relationship so that we don’t mess this thing up again! He knows and I know that when we become one again, it’s going to be beautiful and filled with purpose and no one and nothing will come between us. But I’ve been struggling y’all!
I’ve been struggling with guilt and disobedience. At the end of last year I was told to abstain from ‘relations’ with my husband until he ends the situation with Sister Friend and truly commit to our marriage again. (See 2017…a year of New Beginnings and Necessary Endings! #Godisgood). But it’s been hard! I feel guilty for saying no to my husband because after all he still is MY husband and then I feel guilty when I say yes because I’m being disobedient. I start questioning God like, “Did you really say for me to stop?” But deep in my heart I know what I was told and I kind of know why it’s necessary but I’ve been struggling!
I’ve been struggling with feeling like ‘I’m NOT doing my Father’s work’ because I’m not writing and posting enough! The thing is the devil kept my mind occupied with all the thoughts of what I should be doing so I didn’t actually end up doing anything. It didn’t help that I have also been struggling with physical illness! I had all types of infections. I was home from work so many days just doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself, scrolling through social media and I just got tired of it! I was like Lord this cannot be the life you want for me! This cannot be how you want me to spend the rest of my year! So I deleted my social media apps, dragged myself out of bed and into church on Ash Wednesday and declared, “by His stripes I am healed”, and since then I’ve been feeling much better!
I had a conversation with one of my ‘soul sisters’ and she spoke life into me and I hope that this post can pay it forward! I’m sure I’ve said this before but I will say it again, this life is a journey and we will struggle sometimes but we have to remember that every day that we wake up, we get a chance to try again and do better! Don’t let the devil keep you stuck in struggle mode! Get up, declare healing over your body, over your mind, over your marriage, over your finances, over your life and your children’s lives and walk with God and let Him do His thing!
“When my heart is overwhelmed [and I’m struggling]; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I”. Psalm 61:2
Just doing my Father’s work!