Conundrum

I was going through some files on a USB stick and I happened upon a folder with my poems. The poem that I’m going to share was written December 5, 2012. It stuck out to me because it felt somewhat like a prayer, a cry for help! With everything that has been happening and all the changes that I’ve made in my life and that I’ve seen in my husband, it feels like this prayer is being answered! Enjoy and give feedback if you’d like!

Conundrum

My mind is a conundrum of decisions that need to be made
Fears that are holding me back
And hopes and dreams that are keeping me still
I feel like I know what to do, to get what I want
But their needs are more important
I want to feel secure in knowing that I can be taken care of
That I don’t have to do everything and it will still get done
That I can get sick and not have to ask for help
That I can be confided in and not have to worry that the info I receive can implicate me and affect my family
I want to be able to speak my fears and not feel like they don’t matter
I want to speak and feel confidently about US!
Knowing that in you I can trust
To do the right thing for the greater good of the whole
I want to be able to do things with you and not feel like I’m jeopardizing my soul
My core being, the person that is ME
Who is she?
Where is she?
Are you there?
I am!
Hidden somewhere behind a life that could be
Where she, me, we can be free!
To be our true selves!
Is this asking too much?

My mind is a conundrum of what ifs, shoulda couldas and maybes
At what point does one stop hoping for better and do what needs to be done to get better?
Am I there yet?
Will it happen soon?
Before the she that is me disappears forever!

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