Withholding Nothing

1 Corinthians 14:33 says that “God is not the author of confusion but of peace”, so why did I feel so confused and unsettled. This past weekend I went to a women’s conference entitled, “Withholding Nothing” and per usual, God spoke to me but this time He said to let my husband go! Now what now? I’m like Lord what are you saying? Let my husband go where? I could not understand why He would tell me to let my husband go after He told me to go back, try again and not quit; after He promised me that my marriage would be restored. This is where the confusion came in and that is what the devil does to try to make us question God and our faith but we have to stand on the Word and what it says!

Let me back track a little. The let him go revelation was made in my last workshop on the very last day of the conference but from the very first night God started talking to me. In the opening service the pastor spoke about obedience and it immediately brought me back to what I discussed in I’m Struggling Y’all! and the whole ‘no sex with my husband thing’. And so began the battle:

Me: Lord I thought we were over this?

Him: Were you obedient in the first place? Did you stop having sex with him? Wasn’t the mandate, no sex until there is some sort of recommitment? Has there really been one?

Me: Damn. What am I supposed to say to my husband now? How am I supposed to explain to him that we can’t have sex anymore?

Him: You don’t owe him any explanation! Did Abraham explain to his son what was going to happen once they got up on that mountain? All he said was that the Lord will provide!

Now fast forward to the last workshop. The funny thing is that the workshop shop was called, “The Strength to Let Go” and I did not want to sign up for it because in my head there was nothing for me to let go off. Things were going great. My husband and I are getting along and enjoying each other’s company but when I first read the description I got goosebumps. I struggled to decide whether or not I should sign up for it but something told me that I had to, so I did. So now I’m in the middle of the workshop bawling my eyes out because God is telling me to let my husband go!

I cried and prayed all weekend and the more I did, the clearer things got for me. God was not telling me to let go of my husband as in file for a divorce, but that I needed to let my old husband go so that God could make room for the new man that He is creating in him. I needed to let go of the fear that if I stop having sex with my husband (like God told me to) that my husband would leave me. A broken boy who is not lead by God would do something like that, not a man that puts God first. God wants me to let go of that picture that I have in my head of how I want things to turn out and let Him do exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can ask or think!! He wants me to know that the restoration of my marriage and the changes in my husband is not by my doing. He wants me to know that He is in control and that He knows what’s best for me! All I have to do is let go, be obedient and totally trust Him!

God has to be first in my life and in my husband’s life in order for our marriage to work. So as much as I know that sex is important to my husband and I know that he is not going to like me and that he will say some hurtful things and there is a possibility that he may leave me, I have to stand on my faith. I have to trust that there is a reason behind all of this. I have to stop talking the talk and actually walk the walk by faith and not by sight. I have to surrender everything to God and really withhold nothing!

“You do not realize now what I am doing; but later you will understand” – John 13:7

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” – Hebrews 11:1

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight” – Proverbs 3:5-6

Just doing my Father’s Work

Crowned Papillon!

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