Crowned Papillon

“God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!”

A few weeks ago, I had a very long conversation with my husband where he uttered the above statement several times and it made my heart smile. Why is this such a big deal you ask? Well, because when I first met my husband he didn’t believe in God anymore due to ‘church hurt’ and he was really into science and needing evidence for everything. That was 10 years ago but this year, this month as a matter of fact, this very last month of 2017, I’ve seen a complete shift and I know that it could have only been God! For someone to go from needing evidence to saying things like “God spoke to me”, is nothing short of a miracle! 2017 has been an amazing year where God has really just shown Himself to me and the people around me!

The year started off with me ringing in the new year at church with my best friend who, only three months before (Oct 2016) had attempted suicide twice and was hospitalized! But God was not done with her yet! He has made a complete turn around in her life! Granted, it hasn’t been smooth sailing all year (she got injured and was out of work for months), but He kept her all that time. Her bills were paid and she was never hungry nor homeless! He has even lined up a new job opportunity in a new country for her. Talk about fresh start!

The events of this year have really shown me what can happen if you just put your trust in God and know that He is in control! The sermonic topic for the New Year’s Eve service was, “New Beginnings Mean Necessary Endings”. In order to start this blog, I had to put an end to self doubt and fear. I had to trust that if God was calling me to do this, then I must be capable of doing it. I had to stop worrying about what I would write and if people would read and like it. Every time I post something new I get slightly nervous but I say a little prayer and ask God to let the message reach whoever He needs it to reach, whenever He wants it to reach them. I must admit, when I check the statistics of how many views, likes and follows I get (some days, it’s zero), I get a little disappointed but then I remember that this is not about me!

In A Prayer for My Husband I mentioned that when I separated from my husband, I wanted a ‘do over’, in other words, a new beginning and in order for me to get that, I had to put an end to un-forgiveness, resentment, bitterness, pride, low self-esteem and the desire for revenge. Most of 2016, my underlying motivation for wanting my marriage to be restored was to show ‘Sister Friend’ that she will not get my husband and I wanted her to be humiliated in the process. On many occasions, I thought about contacting her and telling her everything that was going on, sending her pictures, having other people contact her but Thank God for the Holy Spirit, I didn’t! I did write her a letter earlier this year where I very respectfully let her know that I would not be giving up on my marriage and I let her know that she is not my enemy because “we fight not against flesh and blood”. I admitted my failings as a wife and let her know that I was grateful for the situation because I grew from it but I made it clear that she will not be my replacement and that I was praying for God to send her the man that He has for her.

Since that time, I have noticed so many changes in my husband’s behavior towards me and our marriage. His words are much kinder and his actions are more thoughtful and God had everything to do with this! The thing is, my husband is still a work in progress, just as much as I am and Sister Friend is still very much a part of his life. So even though I’ve seen countless changes in my husband, the one necessary end that I wanted to happen by the end of 2017 did not happen because it’s not what God wanted. God has shown me (through conversations with my husband and other amazing people that he has put in my life), that I need to put an end to my involvement in this little love triangle so that He can do His work! I will still be a wife to my husband but I need to do it from a distance!

For the past two years I have allowed certain things to happen that has caused me great emotional pain and caused me to take blows to my self esteem and self worth, all in the name of saving my marriage but God has shown me that I do not need to be a martyr for my marriage. Nothing that I do, no amounts of apologies can erase the hurt or pain that my husband feels. I married a broken man and I broke him further by what I said to him in September 2015 but only God can fix him!

So as 2017 comes to a close, my prayer is that we all learn that ‘new beginnings mean necessary endings’, and that we should,

“Trust in the Lord with all our hearts, and lean not on our own understanding; in all our ways we should acknowledge Him, and He shall direct our paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6) because, He has “plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future!” (Jeremiah 29:11). So even though things may not happen in our timeline “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). “We do not realize now what He is doing; but later we will understand”, (John 13:7).

Just doing my Father’s work!

Crowned Papillon