Today is officially one week from my birthday so I’ve decided to do a 7 Day fast to prepare myself as I walk into my 34th year of life. This past year was my “Christ Year” and it was an amazing year. It did not end how I was expecting it to or how I wanted it to, but it ended how it needed to. Christ died at 33, sacrificing his life for the greater good so in order for me to truly live in my purpose and walk like Christ did, I need to die to self and my wants. I need to be removed from my husband (soon to be ex) and his mess so that God can get the glory out of my life.
This is the thing, as much as I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, as much as I want more for my life, as much as I’m excited for what God has in store for me, I’m still human. I still have moments when I feel sad, when I feel disappointment, when I feel hurt, enraged, angry because of the whole situation. When I feel lonely. When I feel murderous! I do not want to feel those things and I’ve been praying about it and asking God to remove those feelings from me but His response was to remind me that I need to be intentional! I need to put my flesh under subjection, forgive and move on!
The first person I need to forgive is my soon to be ex husband’s new girlfriend because parts of me feel like it was her intention to ‘steal’ my husband from the get go. She came into my life as his cousin so I trusted her with my husband and my children. She was there when we separated and he got another girlfriend. She was aware that I wanted to and was trying to make my marriage work. She came to my baptism, ate at my mother’s house. I showed her nothing but kindness and respect even after rumors started to circulate about her wanting to be with my husband. I just cannot wrap my head around why she would do this to me! That’s why I have to remind myself that we fight not against flesh and blood. The enemy knew exactly how to make this whole thing play out to try to destroy me and get me to lose my faith. But God! He will turn this whole thing around in my favor because all things work together for the good of those who love and serve the Lord and that is exactly what I’m doing!
I need to forgive my soon to be ex husband for not loving me enough to want to change for me. To be a better man for me and the children, even though I know that no one can truly change for others. They have to want to change for themselves and only God could help them to change. I even have to forgive him in advance for changing after the fact because I still believe that he wants to do better and that he will but it upsets me to think about it. I get mad thinking about him being a better man for another woman, especially that girl, even though I know that God has the BEST man for me out there somewhere.
I need to forgive my parents. My mother, for not being a better example for me and teaching me how to choose a husband and to be a wife because she never was. My father, for not being there as he should and for not being an example of what a man is and how he should treat a woman.
I need to forgive my children for loving their father’s new girlfriend even though I know that this has nothing to do with them and I don’t want them having hate in their hearts for anyone.
I need to forgive myself for not listening to God and ignoring the warning signs from the beginning. For feeling like a failure because I couldn’t save my marriage. For being mad at God because He did not restore my marriage and give me that testimony that I thought I would have been able to make.
I need forgiveness, for letting my pride get in the way of my better judgment and for my disobedience. I was over here upset because I felt like I wasted three whole years of my life waiting in vain to get back with my husband. But I know that with God nothing is in vain, there is a purpose behind everything. There were things I needed to learn and experiences I had to go through in order for God to know that I was ready for the next phase of my life. He needed to remove some things from within me so that when I get to where He is taking me, I won’t mess things up.
The theme for this year at my physical church is Walking in Kingdom Authority. And Pastor Todd at Transformation Nation, my online church, declared 2019 the year of Release:
– From the place of bondage
– Of the perspective of bondage
– Into the promise of the blessing
I am so ready! I am going into this fast with expectation that at the end of it, when I wake up on my 34th birthday, that I would be free from UNFORGIVENESS!
Just Doing my Father’s Work!