If you’ve been reading this blog from the beginning you would know that I’m very adamant about remaining abstinent until I get married again. I made the commitment in December 2015 after I separated from my husband, but it was a real struggle for me! He was still my husband so technically I wasn’t doing anything wrong, right? Wrong! God told me, on several occasions to cut it out but I still didn’t listen. It wasn’t until I got completely honest with myself about my motives for doing it, that I was finally able to stop. We’re divorced now and the whole abstinence thing has gotten a little easier but the walk has not been perfect!
I was tested a little bit when my ‘first love’ suddenly came back into my life after 14 years and all those old feelings came rushing back all at once. Listen! Your girl felt like she was 18 again! Thankfully, I was able to pass that test (just barely) and thought I was good. I got overly confident in my ability to resist temptation until another test came along.
I knew from the beginning that dude was not the one because even though he was a Christian, the most important part for me was missing. There were so many red flags and things that reminded me of my ex but I was having way too much fun. I had not been out with another man in about 12 years and it felt good.
But I would talk to myself while I was with dude and be like, “You’ve been here before. You’re not about to do this again. You know damn well this man is not what you want or need. Why you trying to fool yourself into thinking you can rub of on him? If anything, he is the one that has already started influencing you. You know this is not going anywhere so why waste your time? Run!”
He knew from our first conversation, where I stood on the whole sex thing and even though he respected my decision, he made it clear that he wasn’t on the same page. But I thought I was good. I thought I was strong. I wanted to show him how strong I was. He even asked me if I trusted myself around him and I had the nerve to say yes! I knew I had no business hanging out late nights and going to this man’s home in the middle of the night. But sis thought she was invincible!
We had a conversation one day, about what exactly I don’t remember but dude called me rigid! Listen! I was livid! How dare he? Something about being called rigid or boring does something to me and I’m not sure why. I was so outraged that I posted this pic to my social media.
I was so puffed up and full of pride that, that was all the devil needed to bring me down. Or maybe it was God trying to teach me a lesson because the very next day I had to eat my words. I was so mad at myself because after I done made the proclamation to the world I ended up, laid up under this man, regretting ever giving him my number!
I wrote that piece three years ago but never posted it. The situation was too recent, and I was feeling some level of shame, I guess, so it stayed in the notes in my phone until I happened upon it today. LOL. I am still abstinent, and it has NOT gotten easier, but I have learned some things that I would like to share with those wanting to take the journey as well.
- BE HONEST with yourself and God about your motives for doing it. At one point if you had asked me for my why, I would give the Christian answer and say that it was because I wanted to honor God with my body. I mean, this is true on some level, but the main reason, I don’t want to have sex before I get married again is because I don’t want to get pregnant or contract any diseases. I also don’t want to make bad decisions for myself and my future because of some good D! God created sex, and He created it to be enjoyed within the confines of a marriage for our own protection.
- DO NOT WALK THIS JOURNEY ALONE! Find friends who are also trying to be abstinent and keep each other accountable. I have friends that I can call whenever I’m struggling or if I had a slip up. But make sure they are real friends so there is no judgment. If you don’t have any friends, there is a great community called The Sexless Tribe created by Shakia Seabrook that you can join. She’s super cool and really funny. She has a YouTube channel as well! Here’s the link to the IG page and website for your convenience. No excuses! https://instagram.com/thesexlesstribe?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= https://thesexlesstribe.com/
- KNOW YOURSELF and your triggers! Prevention is better than cure right? So be mindful of what you watch, listen to, the places you go to, the people you hang out with etc.! I know it seems silly as a whole grown up to have to close your eyes or turn off a show with steamy sex scenes but trust me, it’s necessary sometimes! A part of knowing yourself is knowing that you are not as strong as you think! Don’t be like me and let pride make you fall! That’s Bible! “First pride, then the crash— the bigger the ego, the harder the fall”. Proverbs 16:18 MSG
- BE OPEN and honest with yourself and God about your feelings! Your desires! Your struggles! Our bodies are naturally designed to be aroused, it’s what you do with them that matter! Y’all I was brutally honest with God one time and was like, “Lord you know exactly how I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to be a ‘good Christian girl’ in this moment. I want to have sex with this man and I am going to his house. I’m going to need you to step in and stop me because I cannot do this on my own!” Granted, I still went to dude’s house and we still did ‘stuff’ but thankfully we did not have sex! Oh but for the grace of God! Which brings me to my last point.
- GIVE YOURSELF GRACE…but not too much! LOL. Seriously though, you have to realize that this walk is not easy and you will have moments of weakness and just may need up under or on top of someone. Just don’t stay there! Remember your why, repent and do your best not to do it again. Don’t beat yourself up but don’t give up either, just because you had a slip up or a few!
Below are links to a few podcasts episodes and sermons that have helped me and may help you!
Just Doing My Father’s Work!