Ray kisses me awake the next morning but I keep my eyes closed because I can’t get the memory out of my head and I’m really not in the mood.
But this is it. There’s no turning back from this one.
“Babe is everything okay? You were really restless last night and at one point I could swear I heard you crying in your sleep”.
I could feel his breath on my face so I know he’s looking dead at me so I continue to keep my eyes closed.
“I’m good. Just tired I guess. I couldn’t sleep well from the excitement of the proposal and if I were crying it was probably happy tears”. I lie.
I hate lying to Ray but I just don’t know how to tell him that I’m having serious doubts about us, especially after he just proposed to me. Like, I have been literally dreaming of this moment for the past 5 years of my life. I’ve thought about the wedding venue, the color of my bridesmaids’ dresses, the type of food I want served and the songs we will dance to. I have even priced the lingerie that I want to wear on my honeymoon. But now that it’s closer to being a reality, it’s like I don’t want it anymore.
What is wrong with me?
You are hurt my child. You have not forgiven him and yourself as a matter of fact. You promised yourself that you would not let him back into your heart but here you are.
Wait! God is that you? I haven’t heard from You in a while! But I guess that’s my fault because I have not been speaking to You either. Father I’m so sorry! I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into! I don’t know what to do! Lord I need you! Please help me!
My eyes are still closed but I could feel the tears running down my face and I’m sure Ray saw them as well, so I roll onto my other side, away from his gaze.
“Kay, look at me!” Ray shouts.
My eyes shoot open because he has never raised his voice that much to me before.
“Really Kay, what’s wrong? You are crying right now and I’m concerned. I’m sorry I yelled. Can you please turn back around and look at me”. His tone is much softer this time so I do as he requested.
“I’m sorry babe. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I guess I’m just really emotional with everything that’s happening right now. It’s my last week in this country and I don’t want this weekend to end because I will really miss you”. I lie again.
I can’t believe I just looked my future husband straight in the eye and lied to him. Well it’s not a complete lie though because it is my last week and I will miss him but it definitely was not the reason I was crying.
“Okay babe. I understand. So how about you wipe those tears and let’s not waste anymore of our last day here! It’s 7am and the maxi (minibus) will be back to pick us up at 7pm. We have 12 whole hours to take advantage of!”
He starts kissing my tears, then my lips, then my neck, my chest, my torso and then he slips my underwear off and says, “I know exactly how to kiss those tears away!”
And this is exactly why you are in this predicament!
I ignore those thoughts, close my eyes, relax my body and let him help me forget everything, even if only for a few minutes.