“Oh my God, what am I doing?”
“Yes Kailani what are you doing?”
This is the conversation I’m having with God in my head as Jason climbs on top of me naked. I know this is not a big deal for most people but it is for me. You see I’m a 20 year old virgin. I’ve been saving myself for marriage all this time and here I am about to give it up to some dude I just met. Well technically he is my boyfriend but we’ve only been together for about a month!
“Oh God, what am I doing? What am I doing?”
He’s kissing on my neck, slowly making his way downward and it feels so good but it’s so very wrong. This is not the way it was supposed to happen. It’s definitely not the way I imagined it would be. He is not my husband and we are not on a moonlit beach in Hawaii on our honeymoon. And he definitely isn’t Ray.
“Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!”
“Yes my child. Do you wish for me to get you out of this one too?”
God sounds a little annoyed with me but I guess I can’t blame Him. We’ve been here before. The last time I came this close to losing my virginity I was 18 years old. I was at Ray’s (the love of my life) house. I had just gone over there to return some books I had borrowed from him the year before, when we were actually in relationship.
Ray and I were together on and off since I was about 15 years old and I just knew that he was going to be my husband. We were going to get married and have a beautiful baby girl. She would be the perfect shade of brown with a reddish brown head of curls just like her daddy. She would look just like him but her attitude and everything else would be mine. Sigh. I had it all planned out.
So what the hell am I doing here? I’ll tell you what I’m doing here. Ray decided to get some other chick pregnant just when I’m about to go off to college. I’m pissed and when I’m pissed I have an “F” it moment where I don’t feel like being a good Christian girl anymore. I have those quite a lot but something always happens that saves me from myself. Not this time though because I can no longer hear God. All I hear is a grunt as Jason thrusts inside of me.
“Oh God! What have I done?”
There’s no turning back now. My hymen is broken. This is it! Ray’s face and the future I had imagined for us floats through my mind as tears stream down my face.
“Oh Father, please forgive me”, I think as my body relaxes and begins to move in sync with Jason’s.
“You like that Empress?” he says as he moves deeper and deeper into me; his long locs brushing against my breasts as he moves.
“Ummm…” is all I can manage to say. His voice is like butter and he always calls me names like empress, queen and princess so you can imagine what that did to me in the moment. My body starts to shake and my eyes roll to the back of my head. I have no idea what is happening but it feels amazing. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before!